Skeletons crawl out of my closet...

Today was indeed a horrible day. Sessionals came out and under sessionals for twp subjects.Much on the expected lines but DBMS I scored 25 out of 50. Now I never deserved that. Though I was a royal pain in her ass through out this semester. To think of it I scored the highest marks in university exams for the subject,Operating Systems, this teacher took last year. Very difficult to mount this terrain.
I went into an unusual but expected trip of depression in the afternoon. Not good. I should be upping my spirits now. Pretty important stuff to do in the next few months. I was relieved only in the evening after watching 'Crusades' on History channel. Don't know why but war can sometimes soothe your soul. And as you know more sorrow after I connected to net. All this started right in the morning.
Usually mom wakes me up in the morning. She calls me leave and I go downstairs at my leisure. Today though she waited for me and seemed hesitant.
I thought to myself, "Thats Odd!"
As I started to sip on my tea and my mother said, "I read something you had written."
I spilled my tea. If I wrote something and she got it then its certainly not good. My thoughts reached out to some pretty sleazy and downright vulgar cartoons I had drawn.
She continued, "I felt really sad and wanted to cry. You wrote that you are not good enough, fit enough etc for some girl and were wasting away..."
I had a sinking sensation. "When the hell did I write some shit like that? Am I a sleepwriter?"
I took the paper from her.
The title: Fairy
'She is the most beautiful girl in the world. She is so serene, her....... is like ......'(lucky that my handwriting was very illegible at that point, so she couldn't have comprehended the physical description). Then some tirade about my defects and some promises for change. Then in the end some pretty hilarious good byes to my various fantasy selfs. "GOOD BYE HITLER!" awww this is just horrible. "GOOD BYE ROCKSTAR!" more horror. Then "GOOD MORNING STAR???", what the fuck was that? Did I doze of by then?
I was still wondering when I wrote this piece of trash. I gave a pretty decent 'Oh this one!' look and laughed (I am a pretty good actor). "I wrote this long time ago (yeah! when I was in LKG!). Its a short story. See I have written my name in the bottom of it."
She wasn't very convinced. She said,"Then it is autobiographic!'.
" Oh to hell with it ! I am not this hopeless!" and I walked away.

Then I recollected. This stuff is from the years of depression. My plus two. And yeah I had this massive crush on this girl and was obsessed. But I considered myself to be subhuman then.
The current me is not him. This guy is completely different and strong. Is he?
A strong reason for me to blog. Years down the line the next me would probably laugh or cry after reading the trash I am writing now. That would be interesting :-)

And I am going on a penance( I am not getting an apt word, we call it vratham in malayalam) for 41days. No non-veg, no sleaze, no swearing, no fufu, no gugu etc. Pretty hard time ahead, but its worth it.
"Ninechathallam nadanthu vittal
Daivam Daivamalle"
An old tamil saying meaning, "If everything occurs as we desire then God is not God"

4 comments:

kickassso said...

damn man,DAMN!
you ought to burn those shit!

Sreenath said...

i can understand..naru...u have changed quickly but it took me time...look around u naru...u will be glad u ain't one of those loveria guy...

duttan said...

i've written shit which is FAR MORE inflammable when i was 13. it was a BOOK. I wrote that much. I kept them hidden. but parents found it.

had a hell of a f*cked up childhood I did....

Rockus said...

@kickassso burning book is a sin!
@sreenath comeon man u changed waaay too much!
@duttan that reminds me! where are the books in which I wrote???@#*&*
(gghpwnk)

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