Title alludes to a brilliant song by The Smiths. You can find it at the bottom of this post. A brilliant song about a loser, single guy. I hope it makes sense at the end of the post as well.
I never thought seriously about getting married. Thought, yes. Thought like what would I be doing if a bunch of cannibals caught me and put in a big cauldron to make a stew. Nothing concrete. But me in a distant land (any place 10 KM from home is distant!) seems to ring alarm bells in my parents' head. Fortunately, I am blessed to have a nice cousin, who is a self-proclaimed romeo and working in the film industry, dilly-dallying with the babes. Furthermore, he is a certified flirt machine by the family. So the attention is on him and everyone's scared he would land a babe unacceptable to the family.
Right now, I have successfully thwarted all the advances my parents made regarding a couple of proposals by the following rebuttals:
1. I am too young!
2. I won't do anything stupid!
3. I cannot afford without compromising on my extravagant lifestyle! (I had a close look at a couple of guys who got married recently. Its a bleeding (no pun intended?!) experience!
4. I will only marry a girl who can install Debian in text mode while looking stunning!
Now my parents are investigating what the heck this Debian is. In the meanwhile, I am continuing my age old tradition of being Chandler, minus the vampish mother, transvestite father, and a nipple; but inclusive of the gay innuendo! At the same time, several incidents are asserting my apperent goofiness while dealing with the feline, err, female kind!
Scene 1 Office Cafeteria, Lunch time
Four of us are having lunch; our Manager, two colleagues, and me. I am the only male specimen.
M: (to me gesturing at C1) Look how beautiful her eyes are!
C1 blushes (she is happily married btw!). She usually wears spects.
Me: (looking straight at her eyes) Oh! Where are your glasses? Got contact lenses? No wonder your eyes look big!
M thumps on forehead, C1 is visibly shaken, C2 is laughing herself to glory.
M: You will reach a long way with the ladies. You give complements! Not talk about technicalities!
C2: It seems we have a hard task of teaching him.
M: I am suspending my search for a suitable girl for him!
Me: *sheepish grin* Let me get myself some buttermilk!
Scene 2 Bank
I am at the Bank to take a DD and things are in a mess. I am dressed in my faded black Linux tees and a pair of faded out, torn jeans. I walk upto a Relationship Manager, who is apparently a babe!
Me: Excuse me! *hops up and down with hands with pockets*
RM: *looks up and scowls* What can I do for you, "sir"?
I tell her my predicament hoping she would sympathise.
RM: *dismissively* Sorry sir, you have to have an account with us.
Me: But of course! I have one!
RM: *disbelievingly* Really!!!
RM: Do you have a cheque leaf?
Me: No, but...
RM: *triumphantly* Aha! Get your ass off here!
Me: What??
RM: Err...I can't help you without one!
Me walks out as other Bank babes looks derisively.
Scene 3 Bank
Monday morning and I am at the Bank, armed with a cheque leaf. Monday hangovers from my last workplace means that I am well dressed and shaved!
Me: Excuse me! *hops up and down with hands with pockets*
RM: *looks up with a look "i have seen this hop before"* Yes sir?
Me explains my predicament along with the dire consequences I would end up if I don't get the DD.
RM: *finally realising who I am* See that counter buster? Its written DD. Can't you read?
Me: What??
RM: I mean, see that counter 11? They provide the DD.
I go to that counter. From the name plate I guess that the female is a mallu. I give her the stuff she wants. She tells me to take a seat. The only available seat is in front a guy who seems to be very uncomfortable with the fact that no one is coming to him. All customers flock towards the ladies! I sit in front of him. I smile. He gives me a rotten look which seems like "i am not that type". So, I am embarassed. Looks around.
Lots of kids have come with their parents. Some hulabaloo happening. One kid comes near me. Latches onto my chair arms and smiles at me. I smile back. He leaves. I say in my mind, cute kid. I am trying to avoid looking at the officer opposite to me. I decide to turn my eye towards my right.
I stare into the babe officer's monitor. Deduces that the Bank uses Flexcube and wonders whether they have a robust billing platform also. I feel a heated gaze. The babe is looking at me. She thinks I am staring at something else. I look at her hands. Rings suggest she is married. Looks suggest she is a sardarini. My mind starts showing me vivid pictures of a well built sardar wringing my neck. I turn my head towards the left.
Goodie! LCD TV!
It says: Log on to our Net Banking system! Its good! Seriously, It rocks! Let us tell you a secret, it can get you laid! With Katrina Kaif!
Though I made up the last two, it nearly said those too! Over and over again! Now I feel a warm gaze. A girl is looking at me. I look back. She smiles. I am thinking of smiling back. Suddenly, the realisation hits. There may be someone behind me and she may be smiling at that person. I look back. No one. Must be my day! I invoke the Subramaniyapuram guy (remember the song Kankal Irundaal?) and smiles a 100 watt smile. I am met with an angry stare. An elderly gentleman, apparently the girl's father. Girl is looking straight ahead feeling offended.
I am in a fix as to where to look next. DD girl calls me tells me to sign once again. She gives a pretty disgusting look. I am left wondering what I did now. Suddenly, I find something gooey on my sleeve. Apparently the sweet kid that came near me gave me a really pasting on his snot. I get up and look around. Casually strolls to the place where they keep all the forms. Apparently while strolling casually I was whistling and the entire Bank is staring at me. Embarrassed, I simply roll up my sleeves.
The sweet kid goes to the DD girl. She gives him a lolkypop, mouthing words of adoration.She looks up at me with a shocking disgust since I was mouthing "o rly" during her "sweet aunty" gimmick. She decides she has had enough and gives me my DD. I thank her with a German accent so that she doesn't realise I am mallu. As I go out, I hear her remark to the babe manager, "bloody nerds!"
I guess the will make sense now!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you 'How Soon is Now?', the anthem of all the sacharrine challenged nerds!
I never thought seriously about getting married. Thought, yes. Thought like what would I be doing if a bunch of cannibals caught me and put in a big cauldron to make a stew. Nothing concrete. But me in a distant land (any place 10 KM from home is distant!) seems to ring alarm bells in my parents' head. Fortunately, I am blessed to have a nice cousin, who is a self-proclaimed romeo and working in the film industry, dilly-dallying with the babes. Furthermore, he is a certified flirt machine by the family. So the attention is on him and everyone's scared he would land a babe unacceptable to the family.
Right now, I have successfully thwarted all the advances my parents made regarding a couple of proposals by the following rebuttals:
1. I am too young!
2. I won't do anything stupid!
3. I cannot afford without compromising on my extravagant lifestyle! (I had a close look at a couple of guys who got married recently. Its a bleeding (no pun intended?!) experience!
4. I will only marry a girl who can install Debian in text mode while looking stunning!
Now my parents are investigating what the heck this Debian is. In the meanwhile, I am continuing my age old tradition of being Chandler, minus the vampish mother, transvestite father, and a nipple; but inclusive of the gay innuendo! At the same time, several incidents are asserting my apperent goofiness while dealing with the feline, err, female kind!
Scene 1 Office Cafeteria, Lunch time
Four of us are having lunch; our Manager, two colleagues, and me. I am the only male specimen.
M: (to me gesturing at C1) Look how beautiful her eyes are!
C1 blushes (she is happily married btw!). She usually wears spects.
Me: (looking straight at her eyes) Oh! Where are your glasses? Got contact lenses? No wonder your eyes look big!
M thumps on forehead, C1 is visibly shaken, C2 is laughing herself to glory.
M: You will reach a long way with the ladies. You give complements! Not talk about technicalities!
C2: It seems we have a hard task of teaching him.
M: I am suspending my search for a suitable girl for him!
Me: *sheepish grin* Let me get myself some buttermilk!
Scene 2 Bank
I am at the Bank to take a DD and things are in a mess. I am dressed in my faded black Linux tees and a pair of faded out, torn jeans. I walk upto a Relationship Manager, who is apparently a babe!
Me: Excuse me! *hops up and down with hands with pockets*
RM: *looks up and scowls* What can I do for you, "sir"?
I tell her my predicament hoping she would sympathise.
RM: *dismissively* Sorry sir, you have to have an account with us.
Me: But of course! I have one!
RM: *disbelievingly* Really!!!
RM: Do you have a cheque leaf?
Me: No, but...
RM: *triumphantly* Aha! Get your ass off here!
Me: What??
RM: Err...I can't help you without one!
Me walks out as other Bank babes looks derisively.
Scene 3 Bank
Monday morning and I am at the Bank, armed with a cheque leaf. Monday hangovers from my last workplace means that I am well dressed and shaved!
Me: Excuse me! *hops up and down with hands with pockets*
RM: *looks up with a look "i have seen this hop before"* Yes sir?
Me explains my predicament along with the dire consequences I would end up if I don't get the DD.
RM: *finally realising who I am* See that counter buster? Its written DD. Can't you read?
Me: What??
RM: I mean, see that counter 11? They provide the DD.
I go to that counter. From the name plate I guess that the female is a mallu. I give her the stuff she wants. She tells me to take a seat. The only available seat is in front a guy who seems to be very uncomfortable with the fact that no one is coming to him. All customers flock towards the ladies! I sit in front of him. I smile. He gives me a rotten look which seems like "i am not that type". So, I am embarassed. Looks around.
Lots of kids have come with their parents. Some hulabaloo happening. One kid comes near me. Latches onto my chair arms and smiles at me. I smile back. He leaves. I say in my mind, cute kid. I am trying to avoid looking at the officer opposite to me. I decide to turn my eye towards my right.
I stare into the babe officer's monitor. Deduces that the Bank uses Flexcube and wonders whether they have a robust billing platform also. I feel a heated gaze. The babe is looking at me. She thinks I am staring at something else. I look at her hands. Rings suggest she is married. Looks suggest she is a sardarini. My mind starts showing me vivid pictures of a well built sardar wringing my neck. I turn my head towards the left.
Goodie! LCD TV!
It says: Log on to our Net Banking system! Its good! Seriously, It rocks! Let us tell you a secret, it can get you laid! With Katrina Kaif!
Though I made up the last two, it nearly said those too! Over and over again! Now I feel a warm gaze. A girl is looking at me. I look back. She smiles. I am thinking of smiling back. Suddenly, the realisation hits. There may be someone behind me and she may be smiling at that person. I look back. No one. Must be my day! I invoke the Subramaniyapuram guy (remember the song Kankal Irundaal?) and smiles a 100 watt smile. I am met with an angry stare. An elderly gentleman, apparently the girl's father. Girl is looking straight ahead feeling offended.
I am in a fix as to where to look next. DD girl calls me tells me to sign once again. She gives a pretty disgusting look. I am left wondering what I did now. Suddenly, I find something gooey on my sleeve. Apparently the sweet kid that came near me gave me a really pasting on his snot. I get up and look around. Casually strolls to the place where they keep all the forms. Apparently while strolling casually I was whistling and the entire Bank is staring at me. Embarrassed, I simply roll up my sleeves.
The sweet kid goes to the DD girl. She gives him a lolkypop, mouthing words of adoration.She looks up at me with a shocking disgust since I was mouthing "o rly" during her "sweet aunty" gimmick. She decides she has had enough and gives me my DD. I thank her with a German accent so that she doesn't realise I am mallu. As I go out, I hear her remark to the babe manager, "bloody nerds!"
I guess the will make sense now!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you 'How Soon is Now?', the anthem of all the sacharrine challenged nerds!
It is like life itself. Will not make any sense after a while!
ReplyDeleteNice point :)
And the post was really funny..
"will only marry a girl who can install Debian in text mode while looking stunning! "
ReplyDeleteDude thats something i am also looking for. Apparently, they are very very hard to come by . Very sad indeed.
@B: Thanks! :)
ReplyDelete@CO: Very hard indeed! When they do come by, they are looking for guys who can reverse engineer an x86 processor@