Zahir...

I finished reading Zahir last week. A great book. This is the second book that I have read of Paulo Coelho, the first being Alchemist.
The book is written from a first person point of view.
Spiritual as you may expect.
This novel deals with obsession (that is somewhat the meaning of Zahir (an Arabic word)), love and happiness.
The author gives us a lot of food for thought. What is happiness?

I have been asking this myself for a long time. What defines a happy state?
Sure, I am not saying that I am a dumb loser who is bawling all the time.
Still, when I think about my happy times...

Winning something. I confess, it gives me a big rush. But then again, also a sense of insecurity. I have to keep up with this or else I would be booed. (Booed by who? That's another question altogether.)
Being with my loved ones. The very antagonistic...Not being with them...Losing them forever...Creeps up when I sink into being happy.
Sharing my thoughts with special people in the wee hours of the night...Makes me happy. But what if I screw up? There goes that happiness...

Now...take some trivial things...

Listening to my favourite music...
Makes me feel good. I tend to raise volume when some lovely parts come. Now what if I become deaf? Takes the pleasure away?

Having a cigarette. Gets a kick. Happiness...but it gets washed away after a little while. Getting cancer is a trivial matter. Did someone see me? Do I smell of tobacco? Blame it on the subsiding of the nicotine effect...But still...

Exhilaration of going at a high speed. Happiness clouded by the prospect of accident.

I can site numerous more instances...
But all things have a common point. At no particular point of time I am at a state of a total happiness.
Now what does those ill feelings point to?
What are the repurchase if something bad happens?

Now let me get back to the 'booed by who' question which cropped up earlier.
That's the root.
The fear of being booed. Booed in the sense, not being howled at. But finding yourself not good enough in front of people whom you wished would acknowledge you forever.
Not just one person or two, but a whole bunch of people at different circumstances, under different perspectives...
Some may be people whom I place as very important in my life...Some just for fact that they should know that I am better than them...

That is my obsession...My Zahir...

Feels Narcissistic? Very. I know that.
But how do I conquer it?
Doing things to please my obsession. In this process forgetting what really makes me happy?
Frankly, I have no idea what I really want...shadows are there...shadows of my real needs...
I have been able to write this because for a split moment I was free of my Zahir...I can feel it gripping me again...

I would succumb...just about...now...

This post started of as a review of The Zahir...I guess I got carried away...still I am posting it..